Happy Birthday, Chump

My barber is always enthusiastic when I pay her with cash. I gather it’s easier for her to pay taxes that way. Needing a haircut, I went to the bank this morning, and the ATM wished me a Happy Birthday Month. To convey how happy it was, the ATM displayed a picture of a dog. And that dog could not contain his joy about this being my birthday month. He was frozen in mid-air with a doggie-biscuit-eating grin as if he was going to sniff my butt for hours, and he just knew I would be into it.

It almost gave me a warm feeling. Then I remembered how I previously had 2 car loans with this bank. When I had enough money to pay off one of the loans early, I estimated the necessary amount and paid it. I am bad at math and overpaid by $267.00. But I was not concerned. I assumed the overage would be applied to the other car loan. Silly birthday boy with the wet nose-accommodating butt cheeks.

The bank made its own assumptions and concluded I intentionally overpaid the loan because I wanted the bank to open a savings account for me. Then it started automatically deducting a $3.00 penalty every month from the account because the amount was too small. When I complained, the manager pointed to the small print on page 7 of the loan agreement – the one I never read. It explained why the birthday-butt-sniffing dog was so happy.

Tengo Leche, Social Anxiety Scholar