Vatican Reports on Sexual Abuse Scandal (Exclusive)

The Vatican was appalled to learn recently that some of its priests have been accused of sexually abusing children. Just in the last week it issued a report on former U.S. Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, who rose through the church’s hierarchy despite repeated allegations of sexual misconduct. We are assured in the report that his rise to power had nothing to do with his phenomenal fundraising skills.

McCarrick was expelled from the priesthood in 2019 after a Vatican investigation found him guilty of abuse of power and sexual crimes against minors and adults. Fortunately, his crimes and abuses only spanned a handful of decades, so no one can accuse the Vatican of failing to act promptly.

Here at Pungent Sound our very own Father Orifice (pronounced Orifeechee) has asked to explain the Vatican’s reasonable and measured actions. Because we believe that even the powerful should be given a chance to be heard and because Father Orifice is a pretty proficient fundraiser himself, we immediately agreed. Take it away, Father Orifice.

Bishop’s Hole

Oh, the games we played in Bishop's Hole,
but the foul winds have begun to blow
so once again it's time to go.

Even though it's hard,
I must leave this behind.
That's what the rector said,
and he does have a good head.
Granted, this happens all the time.
It's why we installed a pipeline,
which can send me anywhere
because Bishop Hole's are everywhere.

But still it's hard
and I'm leaving quite a mess,
but reputations must be protected,
so there's nothing here to confess.
When I think about the good we inflict
this only gives my conscience a tiny prick.

We lie in the shadow of the Cross,
so there isn't anything we can't lick.

            *          *          *

O.K.  That's enough with the juvenile jabs.
I've had my fun, and it's cruel to taunt.
Let's get serious for a moment.

We told you that we would fix things,
and you had faith.
Then you learned that we continued 
to rape your children and cover it up.
You even found our pedophile pipeline.

That was awkward for us.

So we promised to stop for real.
And you believed us, but we lied.  Again.
No rational person should have believed us.
But you did.

You continued to give us your children,
and we continued to prey.
You trusted us - the black vultures you should have feared.
And we never did a single thing to earn your trust.

After all that, shouldn't you be the ones condemned?

            *          *          *

Have you noticed how we love gold veneer?
It's everywhere, and it's immaculate
as long as you don't stand too near.

We've made the luster last all these years,
because we polish the gold with your children's tears.
Those tears run like torrents between the pews.
It's like Noah's Flood.

And there's nothing else we will do. 

Father Orifice, Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology.