Happy Birthday, Chump

My barber is always enthusiastic when I pay her with cash. I gather it’s easier for her to pay taxes that way. Needing a haircut, I went to the bank this morning, and the ATM wished me a Happy Birthday Month. To convey how happy it was, the ATM displayed a picture of a dog. And that dog could not contain his joy about this being my birthday month. He was frozen in mid-air with a doggie-biscuit-eating grin as if he was going to sniff my butt for hours, and he just knew I would be into it.

It almost gave me a warm feeling. Then I remembered how I previously had 2 car loans with this bank. When I had enough money to pay off one of the loans early, I estimated the necessary amount and paid it. I am bad at math and overpaid by $267.00. But I was not concerned. I assumed the overage would be applied to the other car loan. Silly birthday boy with the wet nose-accommodating butt cheeks.

The bank made its own assumptions and concluded I intentionally overpaid the loan because I wanted the bank to open a savings account for me. Then it started automatically deducting a $3.00 penalty every month from the account because the amount was too small. When I complained, the manager pointed to the small print on page 7 of the loan agreement – the one I never read. It explained why the birthday-butt-sniffing dog was so happy.

Tengo Leche, Social Anxiety Scholar

Home Leaving

   I stole a frozen chicken
   and tried some Voodoo.
   I prayed to Shiva
   but I'm not Hindu.
   Magic 8 ball said gotta go.
   The lucky charm I rubbed 
   was actually just a dildo.
   I brought to Jesus
   all my desperate pleas,
   but though he loves the poor
   he loves us on our knees.

   So when's your home not your home?

   When it's owned by the bank
   you dumb fuck,
   and the bank wants you out.

   I diligently worked my way
   down every dead end street
   taking every detour I could take - 
   like rubbing a dildo for hours
   until my hands ached.

   Now the neighbors line the street.
   Police pound at my door.
   Mr. Diligent Dumbfuck went and got a gun
   because dildos won't do anymore.

   Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief