Tag Archives: Emojis

It Just Got Hotter in Texas

Being a reputable media outlet, this journal frequently focuses on news that’s intended to make readers angry. Hey, whatever it takes to get those precious clicks. Well, not today – because we’re bringing you a feel-good story where common sense prevails.

On June 12, 2023, Texas passed the READER Act, which stands for Restricting Explicit and Adult-Designed Educational Resources. It requires book vendors selling to Texas public schools to rate books based on sexual content. https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/04/business/texas-sexually-explicit-books-law/index. Now it will be much easier to find sexually explicit material in school books. I must confess: This news gave me a joy boner.

Per the law vendors must first determine whether a book has sexual content. Easy peasy. If so, they must then label that content as either “patently offensive” (aka the good stuff) or just “sexually relevant” (aka missionary position). Simple pimple, because everyone knows what “patently offensive” means. Is it offensive? Do you have a patent for it?

But how will I know how hot the “patently offensive” stuff is? I don’t want to waste my money here. Not to worry. Texas thought of that too. A committee will assign anywhere from 1 (that’s different) to 4 (need a new pair of underwear) erect eggplant emojis to books with patently offensive material. It will assign 1 (after school TV special) to 4 (is that your grandfather?) withered eggplant emojis to books with boring sexually relevant material.

All I can say is: Thank you, Texas. Now, if only Goodreads would do the same.

Tengo Leche, Patently Offensive Editor

Dr. Emoji

My wife was making coffee
when the beast flopped on her head
so she screamed and she shook
and I jumped out of bed
to find a leather-clad succubus
spread-eagle on the floor
so I quickly grabbed my broom
and swept it out the door.

Then I gave my wife a tactful kiss, 
before recalling that's a mistake
because every time I touch her lips
my stomach starts to ache.

In the bathroom brushing my teeth
foam gushed down my chin.
It made a frothy bubble beard,
and my head started to spin.

So I hurried to the computer,
went to WhatsWrongWithMeMD,
typed all my ails in a tiny box 
and clicked on the medic emoji
who quickly appeared to look at my face,
and without pausing for thought
said I have herpes, rickets, or rabies
and atrophy in a private spot.

So here I am at urgent who cares
answering why, what, and where
when Dr. Emoji has already seen me
and says I have no time to spare.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief