Tag Archives: School

About the College – Updated to Include Vital Information About Barnacles

Hello!

As CEO of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology, I can tell you we are proud to be a for-profit school.  In fact, it’s an honor to wake up every morning, see our students’ smiling faces on video, and know that we are exclusively devoted to serving our shareholders.

The college is currently located on the tranquil waters of Pungent Sound.  It’s romantic, but don’t let the setting fool you.  The college is very difficult to get into.  Not in the academic sense – if you can pay the tuition, you’re in.  It’s difficult to get into physically, because the college is on a barge, which enables us to move whenever we find it necessary to do so.  But that shouldn’t concern our students, because we offer a virtual education; so if you have a computer, you have a virtual college.

Are you looking for the best education we can offer?  Then you’ve found the right school!  But wait, there’s more.  We can help you secure a loan to pay your tuition.  Our staff is motivated to assist you because they work on commission. 

So why haven’t you applied!?!  Be a Barnacle.  That’s our school mascot, because barnacles have astonishingly long penises; eight times longer than the rest of their bodies, and they reproduce by ejaculating into the ocean.  So dive in and take a swim at Pungent Sound Technical College for Technology.  And remember, I’m not only the CEO; I’m a shareholder. 

Titmouse Beak, CEO of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology

Reading to My Son’s Class on Dead Poets Day

Mind you, most parents would pick
a stupid Seuss story and read it quick,
but those were things read long ago
when TVs had rabbit ears and winters snow.
Now kids understand the value of time
and their tastes for entertainment are far more refined.

Kids love poetry; they love to tell jokes,
and since this is about them, I've decided to do both.
So in honor of the day, I say
we must find a poet to put in a grave.

The kids look up, startled a bit,
but I assure them it's easy because poets aren't fit
so the odds of one winning a fight are slim
and I wink at the teacher as there's a bit of the poet in him.

I then recite The Walrus and the Buffalo
because kids love aged men who are full of woe,
which brings me next to Sylvia Plath
because that crazy bitch always makes me laugh.

Then I get an idea that's so sublime.
But would it be indulgent to read one of mine?
I could because I've written quite a few
and it would only be indulgent if I read them two.

Once I have finished speaking my lines
I realize fifty minutes wasn't enough time.
But the teacher jumps saying I must be on my way
and I leave to the acclaim only silence can convey.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief