In a Surprise Only to Me

News Alert! The centrist leaning No Chance party has abandoned its plan to nominate a milquetoast candidate in this year’s U.S. presidential election. In making the announcement, No Chance spokesperson, Saffron Crow, spoke the following, “Pampered and self-satisfied Americans everywhere are hungry for two things: rice bowls with fried tofu and uninspiring presidential candidates with vague, non-offensive positions. That’s why we asked Shy Meeks and then E.Z. Timid and finally Vapid Agonistes to be our irresolute leader. Sadly, all of them refused. Despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary, we still believe our proud, enervated country craves unity over division, problem-solvers over problems, and competence over comedy. Accordingly, in four years, we will undertake this futile exercise in self-regard all over again. See you then.”

When asked if she was concerned that a vibrant democracy like the United States couldn’t support more than two viable political parties, Saffron Crow responded, “I’m not worried at all. In a democracy, vibrant or not, the people might not get the hero they need, but they always get the hero they deserve.”

Tengo Leche, Pointless Politics Editor