What Are You Worried About, Darling?

O.K. You’ve produced a movie and it sucks. At an epic level. It’s the next Garfield. Rotten Tomatoes refuses to review it because there are not enough rotten tomatoes in the world to throw at it. What do you do?

Saffron:  Are the two male leads super hot and androgynous?

Producer:  Of course.

Saffron:  Can you get them to spit on each other at a film festival? 

Producer:  No.

Saffron:  Can you get them to pretend to spit on each other?

Producer:  No, only one of them will agree to that?

Saffron:  Can you just say they spit on each other?

Producer:  I can do that.

Saffron:  O.K.  This is manageable.  What about the female leads?  Can they stop talking to each other and act really pissed off when they see each other?

Producer:  That started nine months ago.

Saffron:  Perfect!  Things are looking up.  Can you leak that to the press?

Producer:  Of course.

Saffron:  Did the director get romantically involved with one or more of the stars?

Producer:  Of course.

Saffron:  Excellent.  Did they have so much sex it disrupted filming?

Producer:  Actually, there were several complaints about that.  The director is several years older than her male lead.  It made me uncomfortable.

Saffron:  Wait a minute!  This is an older woman with a younger man?

Producer:  I'm afraid so.

Saffron:  Fantastic!  You're golden.  That is all anyone will talk about.  Your movie is guaranteed to make a lot of money.

Saffron Crow, Foreign Affairs Editor and Movie Consultant. 

Amen, Sister

When a politician is audacious enough to tell the truth regardless of the consequences, that politician should be recognized and congratulated. So congratulations U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert! As reported in The Washington Post (6/28/22), Boebert recently spoke at a church service where she confessed, “I’m tired of this separation of church and state junk.”

To that, I say “Amen, sister.” There is absolutely no legitimate reason for separating your church and state junk. It’s inefficient. And the garbage truck takes it all to the same place anyway. So bravo, Representative Boebert, for trying to end this nonsense.

After clearly stating her deeply-held beliefs on recycling, Boebert (in a curious non sequitur ) then added, “the church is supposed to direct the government. The government is not supposed to direct the church.” I don’t know what that has to do with recycling, but non sequitur be damned! I could not agree more.

So that just leaves the easy stuff. Like which church is going to direct the government? Fortunately, we have lots to choose from: the Catholic Church, dozens of Baptist Churches, the Church of Latter Day Saints, the Church of Scientology. Do synagogues, mosques, and temples qualify as churches? I certainly hope so, because then we’d have even more options.

We should probably get moving on this. Because once we pick the right church, I am sure harmony will reign forever.

Saffron Crow, Chief Editor-in-Chief