If you live in the vicinity of Smith Mountain Lake, it is the time of year when Smithie ends her hibernation. She will be ravenous, so protect your lords and ladies.
For those of you new to the area, here’s a description. Smithie has a grizzly bear’s head mounted with knife-like antlers. Her body is squid-like but covered in rusty-red fur – the same color as the region’s nutrient-depleted soil, so she blends easily – one reason why she’s such a diabolical hunter. Her tentacles can serve as legs, meaning she can walk and run on land as fast as she can swim in the lake’s murky waters. Her eight arms can serve as . . . arms.
She hibernates near the dam in Smith Mountain’s shadow, but once she awakens she could be anywhere in or near the lake or the Roanoke River. She is between 8 and 25 feet tall – depending on the eyewitness’ sobriety. So most people say 25 feet. In addition to being frightening, she’s frighteningly good at tentacle sex. Some would say it’s her sole redeeming quality (try it before you criticize it).
Smithie loves to dine on cats, catfish, and children. She finds sarcastic children the tastiest. Hey, another redeeming quality.
Tengo Leche, Cat and Tentacle Sex Lover
When Uncle Wood died, we were bereft. No one knew what to do with his wrinkled corpse. He hadn’t made any plans for his burial. We were stuck.
So we turned to the internet for solutions. Surprisingly, there are lots of laws restricting what people can do with corpses. Fortunately, we found Raven Breathless’ Kind Like Loam (patent pending). It’s the almost natural way to speedily decompose unwanted corpses.
So we shipped Uncle Wood up to Block Island and about six weeks later a bag of Kinda Like Loam arrived at our home – just in time for Christmas. The bag was really heavy, but once we removed Uncle’s titanium knees, iron lung, plastic heart, and the sharp blade he used as a tongue it was much lighter. But where to dump him?
Having ruined so many Thanksgivings, no one wanted to sprinkle him near the house. So we settled on Dr. Pepper Park, where we found a thriving cherry tree and poured out Uncle Wood at its base. We chose a cherry tree because Uncle’s nickname was Soft Wood. It just seemed perfect.
And it was. Within 5 days that tree died, and after a burst of heavy rain some of Uncle Wood ran into the Roanoke River. All the catfish turned belly up. And when you poked them, they exploded. The air smelled like Uncle Wood and rotting fish. It was exactly what he would have wanted.
Thanks so much, Raven Breathless. Now we can’t wait for Auntie Blister to die.
Saffron Crow, Special Correspondent for Corpse Disposal