Tag Archives: Cats

A Warning for Everyone Owned by a Cat

If you live in the vicinity of Smith Mountain Lake, it is the time of year when Smithie ends her hibernation. She will be ravenous, so protect your lords and ladies.

For those of you new to the area, here’s a description. Smithie has a grizzly bear’s head mounted with knife-like antlers. Her body is squid-like but covered in rusty-red fur – the same color as the region’s nutrient-depleted soil, so she blends easily – one reason why she’s such a diabolical hunter. Her tentacles can serve as legs, meaning she can walk and run on land as fast as she can swim in the lake’s murky waters. Her eight arms can serve as . . . arms.

She hibernates near the dam in Smith Mountain’s shadow, but once she awakens she could be anywhere in or near the lake or the Roanoke River. She is between 8 and 25 feet tall – depending on the eyewitness’ sobriety. So most people say 25 feet. In addition to being frightening, she’s frighteningly good at tentacle sex. Some would say it’s her sole redeeming quality (try it before you criticize it).

Smithie loves to dine on cats, catfish, and children. She finds sarcastic children the tastiest. Hey, another redeeming quality.

Tengo Leche, Cat and Tentacle Sex Lover

Empty Boxes for Cats

Inconceivable!
Did he not see the signs?

I am sure that he did.
Still, he refused to comply.

Did you politely ask him to stop?

I certainly did,
and he said he would not.
Instead he mocked me much more,
did a lewd dance - 
called my mother a whore.

Inconceivable!
He can't insult people here.
It's simply not allowed -
the signs make it perfectly clear.
And your mom's not a ho.
Has he even met her?
Is there something he may know?

Oh, he knew what he was doing.
He saw the signs and smirked.
Then the profanity started spewing.

But the signs should have kept him away -
like empty boxes ward off cats
and old people avoid Tampa Bay.
Why does he keep saying such vile stuff?
Could it be the signs aren't big enough?

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Why Are You Clutching a Cat?

Did the kitty commit a crime
and in your imagination's prison
is this how felons do their time?

Or did no one want to sit with you
because humans find your company
as terrifying as cats do?

Do you crush anything that's cute?
Should we notify the ACLU
or wait for PETA to file a lawsuit? 

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Mrs. Muzzle

   By Monday morning,
   a furious Mrs. Muzzle
   pounced on Uncle's lap,
   took her petite paw
   and gave his smirking lips
   several wicked smacks.

   But he continued to talk
   as if he was used to that 
   repeating a tedious tale
   about a dubious time
   when Smear the Queer
   was a Hunger Game
   the neighborhood kids 
   would play.

   And everyone was proud and happy
   though no one was proud and gay.

   Problem people stayed silent 
   otherwise they were gagged,
   and proper people spoke English
   with a Midwest accent -
   the same one Jesus had.

   Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief