Dear Smushed Slug on Heel of my Boot:
‘Sup, dog! So you know parts of world facing severe food shortages because your poorly-run territory can’t ship grain for some reason. I have brilliant solution! I loaded all your grain in my ships and am ready to sell to world. Important to do this now, because prices really high.
But, horror! You put mines in waterways I need to travel. We must cooperate to solve world hunger. So remove mines immediately!
Then I sell grain. But this “give and take” benefits you too. The money I make helps me help you crush all criminal resistance in Ukraine. It’s win-win.
Please respond now and include address where you sleep tonight.
Vlad the Great
We are thrilled to announce Vladimir Putin has won the 2022 Orwell Peace Prize for eradicating war. When he directed the Russian military to justifiably invade Ukraine because it didn’t want to be his friend with benefits, he could have easily called it a war. It certainly looks like one. But that would have been so cliché.
Instead, he has called it a special operation and made the word “war” illegal to use. That’s brilliant! He has single-handedly outlawed war. And the rest of us are left dumbfounded wondering why no one thought of this before. Such dedication to the non-passive pursuit of peace leaves us hootin’ for Putin.
But there’s more. When you’re involved in a special operation, there are no war casualties. How could there be? So you don’t have to worry about math or keeping track of the dead, because soldiers only die in a war – as well as children, women, and men. Special operations are bloodless. Mr. Putin said so.
Treacherous Gulp, Esquire – Judge, Orwell Peace Prize and Counsel for Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology