Dear Smushed Slug on Heel of my Boot:
‘Sup, dog! So you know parts of world facing severe food shortages because your poorly-run territory can’t ship grain for some reason. I have brilliant solution! I loaded all your grain in my ships and am ready to sell to world. Important to do this now, because prices really high.
But, horror! You put mines in waterways I need to travel. We must cooperate to solve world hunger. So remove mines immediately!
Then I sell grain. But this “give and take” benefits you too. The money I make helps me help you crush all criminal resistance in Ukraine. It’s win-win.
Please respond now and include address where you sleep tonight.
Vlad the Great
Pungent Sound Journal of Pulp Poetry 