We are thrilled to announce Vladimir Putin has won the 2022 Orwell Peace Prize for eradicating war. When he directed the Russian military to justifiably invade Ukraine because it didn’t want to be his friend with benefits, he could have easily called it a war. It certainly looks like one. But that would have been so cliché.
Instead, he has called it a special operation and made the word “war” illegal to use. That’s brilliant! He has single-handedly outlawed war. And the rest of us are left dumbfounded wondering why no one thought of this before. Such dedication to the non-passive pursuit of peace leaves us hootin’ for Putin.
But there’s more. When you’re involved in a special operation, there are no war casualties. How could there be? So you don’t have to worry about math or keeping track of the dead, because soldiers only die in a war – as well as children, women, and men. Special operations are bloodless. Mr. Putin said so.
Treacherous Gulp, Esquire – Judge, Orwell Peace Prize and Counsel for Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology