Now is not the time for questioning minds. Now is the time for Bud Light with lime because thinking is hard and hurts to boot - that's why you have me; I'm thinking's leisure suit. Slip me on and see how I fit. Plenty of room for belly and hip. Gaudy and garish like the colors of war - not that I have ever served before. No, that's a privilege for others to endure. I was created to talk non-stop. You were made to listen without thought so listen as I glorify a past never seen and scorch anyone who dares disagree with a wit fueled by methane gas and a tongue lodged so far up my ass, it makes me wobble when I walk and forces me to bend over when I talk or when I get enemas of warm liquid mint because my breath makes garbage men squint. But these burdens must be borne if I'm to keep my followers uninformed and hopefully by the end of my show there won't be anything for them to know. So turn the radio on and hear my jingle. May it give your tiny penis a tiny tingle. We'll put a boot up your ass - that's the American way. Apple pie served with a hand grenade. Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief
We are thrilled to announce Vladimir Putin has won the 2022 Orwell Peace Prize for eradicating war. When he directed the Russian military to justifiably invade Ukraine because it didn’t want to be his friend with benefits, he could have easily called it a war. It certainly looks like one. But that would have been so cliché.
Instead, he has called it a special operation and made the word “war” illegal to use. That’s brilliant! He has single-handedly outlawed war. And the rest of us are left dumbfounded wondering why no one thought of this before. Such dedication to the non-passive pursuit of peace leaves us hootin’ for Putin.
But there’s more. When you’re involved in a special operation, there are no war casualties. How could there be? So you don’t have to worry about math or keeping track of the dead, because soldiers only die in a war – as well as children, women, and men. Special operations are bloodless. Mr. Putin said so.
Treacherous Gulp, Esquire – Judge, Orwell Peace Prize and Counsel for Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology