Tag Archives: Talk Radio

Chicken Hawk

Now is not the time for questioning minds.
Now is the time for Bud Light with lime
because thinking is hard and hurts to boot -
that's why you have me; I'm thinking's leisure suit.

Slip me on and see how I fit.
Plenty of room for belly and hip.
Gaudy and garish like the colors of war - 
not that I have ever served before.
No, that's a privilege for others to endure.

I was created to talk non-stop.
You were made to listen without thought
so listen as I glorify a past never seen
and scorch anyone who dares disagree
with a wit fueled by methane gas
and a tongue lodged so far up my ass,
it makes me wobble when I walk
and forces me to bend over when I talk
or when I get enemas of warm liquid mint
because my breath makes garbage men squint.

But these burdens must be borne
if I'm to keep my followers uninformed
and hopefully by the end of my show
there won't be anything for them to know.
So turn the radio on and hear my jingle.
May it give your tiny penis a tiny tingle.

We'll put a boot up your ass -
that's the American way.
Apple pie served with a hand grenade.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Talk Radio – What’s Not to Love?

We have been listening to a lot of talk radio lately AND WE LOVE IT! What a delightful and responsible way to educate people about America’s virtues! And it happens 24/7. And incredibly the hosts never run out of things to say – perhaps because they repeat themselves repetitively and then attack others for not repeating what they have said multiple times. No doubt – it is a winning formula and America is better for it. As Alexis de Tocqueville states in his semenal work Democracy in America: Love It or Leave It, “talk radio is why America kicks Europe’s flatulent ass every single day of the year.” (Can’t find the citation right now). He then notes how talk radio has enhanced the marketplace of ideas by teaching Americans (i) to be judgmental without using good judgment, (ii) to disagree disagreeably, (iii) to be knowledgeable without being factual, and (iv) to be immodest while pretending to be modest. (Citation to be provided at a later date).

Here are some other lessons from talk radio that de Tocqueville extols:

1.  don't piss of sponsors,
2.  don't whisper when you can shout,
3.  don't use 3 words when you can use 20,
4.  your opponents are never mistaken; they lie,
5.  the host is never mistaken; his comments are taken out of context,
6.  people who disagree with the host are evil,
7.  the host should never hesitate to promote himself, even if he doesn't like to do so (fortunately, he likes to do so),
8.  if the host has any flaws (and he doesn't), he should never admit them - or acknowledge any doubts (because he doesn't have any - duh), and
9. don't piss off sponsors (here at Pungent Sound, we don't have any sponsors - need to work on that).

Sorry - got to go.  The commercial just ended.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief