The Great White Heron in a Floppy Hat

My father, long retired and recently afraid
of becoming irrelevant, has become a pest.

A master gardener, himself, he has volunteered
to teach the Wampanoag children of Cape Cod
how to grow vegetables the way 80 year old white men do -
by stabbing cold metal hand shovels into the sandy soil
and throwing dry seeds in the gaping wounds.

The Wampanoag women of Cape Cod
prefer their traditional methods.
The warm heels of their feet create the needed homes
for the pregnant seeds.

Dad visits their community garden
unannounced, uninvited, and unaware
he may be perceived as a great white heron in a floppy hat
attempting to poach fish from their pond.

The tortured history here would recommend
a gentler approach, but he is forever
surprised by the frosty welcome.
He suspects they want his money more than his help.

His plans for Thanksgiving, my sister and I think,
are bound to make matters worse.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Nothing Objectionable Here

Being the CEO of a for-profit college, the first thing I think about every morning (after I review the profit/loss statements) is our students’ education. And because there has been so much controversy lately over school textbooks, and the disgusting lies found in them, I decided to review our textbooks. I am thrilled to report I found nothing problematic, objectionable, or interesting in them.

Take our U.S. History textbook, for example. It’s perfect. Here’s the chapter on the Civil Disagreement Between the States in 1861.

For a handful of years, people in Africa were given free trips to the United States so they could work in the lovely country homes found in some those states. Due to the careful planning and generous spirit of the owners of these country homes, there were soon many people of African descent happily working. They sang songs.

But some states without country homes didn’t want people of African descent to work at these homes. They wanted people of African descent to swim back to Africa.

The people who owned the country homes said “No way. You can’t discriminate against people of African descent. They should be allowed to work at our country homes if we say they can.”

In 1861 the states got tired of shouting encouragement to each other inside buildings. So they went outside on large, open fields and shouted. It was so much fun people died.

Finally in 1865 the states got tired of all the fun. They decided it was wrong to allow people of African descent to work only at country homes. They passed laws enabling people of African descent to work for less than minimum wage anywhere an employer said they could. And American mythology continued to thrive.

That’s the entire chapter, and it’s beautiful. I love stories with a happy ending. And, really, isn’t that what education is all about?

Titmouse Beak, CEO of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology

A Tribute to Anonymous Unknown

So many people have created stunning works of art, and we don’t know their names. Even more people crap themselves and call that art. But because they do it in public and are immune to shame, everyone knows their names.

When it comes to literature, some of the most beautiful and inspiring works were written by history’s most prolific writer: Anonymous (aka Unknown) or, better yet, Anonymous Unknown.

Anonymous Unknown wrote the Old Testament, as it is called by Christians. Jews call it the Torah, which literally means Jesus Christ! Quit coopting our stuff – you do this all the time. He, She or They (we simply don’t know) also wrote Pearl, Sundiata, El Cid, The Man from Nantucket, The Epic of Gilgamesh, Fifty Shades of Grey (The Early Years), Beowulf, and many more works that richly explore what makes us human. Yet, their names are lost in the dank cellar of Antiquity’s library – probably behind the leaky water heater and under Sappho’s poems.

We don’t need social media to inform us that Fame is fickle. We don’t need more grieving parents to remind us that Equity and Justice have never lived here. Still, it is a blessing to have these works, even if we don’t know who to praise and thank.

Gladiola Overdrive, Chief Editor