Ban My Book, Please

In a desperate attempt to achieve my twin goals of becoming obscenely rich and obnoxiously famous, I became a poet.  It didn’t work.  But I was reading Luisa Zambrotta’s Words and Music and Stories yesterday, and she had a post about James Cabell and how he rose from obscurity overnight all because he wrote a book the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice (Oxymoron Alert) achieved in getting banned. (  Perversely, writers become rich and instant celebrities whenever people try to ban their books.  It makes me wonder why folks would want to ban anything they don’t like.  If “offensive” books were only ignored (like any other book), those writers would remain impoverished and die alone.

My second thought was that’s brilliant!  I’m going to do that.  I started thinking of all the obscene topics that would get a book banned:  war, cruelty, rape, adult diapers, hatred, and Coldplay.  But when I went to various media outlets to conduct research, I found everyone was talking about these issues. The people in favor of obscenity (whatever that is) weren’t banned, and neither were the people who opposed it. Instead each side was treated with the same amount of contempt.

So now I’m bereft.  If those topics won’t get my book banned, what will?  Writing about people who want to be treated with dignity?  About people who want to love each other without being assaulted?  You can see how desperate I’ve become.  Why would anyone ban a book for those reasons?

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief.

Banning Together

As an editor of perhaps the second best literary journal you have never heard of, I would like to say: we love words. That’s probably pretty obvious. So let me go one step further. There’s only one thing we love more than words, and that’s banning words.

So we whole-heartedly support the proposed “Don’t Say Gay” legislation in Florida – because the best way to deal with sensitive or complex issues is to ignore them. Even better – take away the words necessary to discuss the matter. That allows the most hyper-sensitive people among us to dictate what we can talk about. And everyone feels better.

Words that begin with G seem to be particularly problematic. Therefore, I would like to propose some other G words that should be banned.

Glad – because it is frequently seen associating with Gay. They don’t mean the same thing necessarily, but they do hold hands often and sometimes kiss. And no one wants to see that.

Gazpacho – because soup should never be served cold. Plus, it is too easily confused with Gestapo, and nothing should interfere with the constant use of Gestapo – particularly when used to describe the tactics of anyone who disagrees with you politically.

Groovy – you may quibble with the other suggestions above. But, come on, everyone can agree Groovy should be banned. That word is an abomination.

Gladiola Overdrive, Chief Editor