Tag Archives: Election

In a Surprise Only to Me

News Alert! The centrist leaning No Chance party has abandoned its plan to nominate a milquetoast candidate in this year’s U.S. presidential election. In making the announcement, No Chance spokesperson, Saffron Crow, spoke the following, “Pampered and self-satisfied Americans everywhere are hungry for two things: rice bowls with fried tofu and uninspiring presidential candidates with vague, non-offensive positions. That’s why we asked Shy Meeks and then E.Z. Timid and finally Vapid Agonistes to be our irresolute leader. Sadly, all of them refused. Despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary, we still believe our proud, enervated country craves unity over division, problem-solvers over problems, and competence over comedy. Accordingly, in four years, we will undertake this futile exercise in self-regard all over again. See you then.”

When asked if she was concerned that a vibrant democracy like the United States couldn’t support more than two viable political parties, Saffron Crow responded, “I’m not worried at all. In a democracy, vibrant or not, the people might not get the hero they need, but they always get the hero they deserve.”

Tengo Leche, Pointless Politics Editor

The Campaign

A straw man riding a sacred cow
pulling a tethered scapegoat 
arrived in a town named Trope
just when they were needed most.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Pardon Me

I am Titmouse Beak . . . but you all know that . . . your president . . . probably the greatest president ever . . . of Pungent Sound Community Bank . . . it’s astounding news I bring, I am running in the 2024 election of the Sexiest Person . . . you know how sexy I am – no one sexier . . . maybe Beyonce . . . probably not . . . in the World, which includes wherever it is you live . . . Please don’t tell me. I don’t care.

If you vote for me, I promise to pardon any penalties or late fees . . . so awful, so tough for you average people . . . so unfair . . . you have incurred on any debt owed to Pungent Sound Community Bank . . . prior to January 21, 2021.

Tengo Leche: Why wait? Can’t you just do that now.

Yes, but that’s not how promises work . . . not really, because the bank’s board . . . it is really the worst board ever . . . so disappointing . . . they hate capitalism . . . such a great a system, so fair to everyone . . . the board voted your president out of office effective January 21, 2021 . . . such a sad day . . . people on rooftops crying . . . beautiful big fat tears . . . like huge boobs . . . so beautiful . . . I counted all the votes, and all the votes I counted were for me . . . fraudulent board, so sad . . . I won by a landslide, a beautiful landslide . . . you should have seen how beautiful.

Tengo Leche: Why didn’t you just pardon all those borrowers back in January – like on January 19, 2021. When you had the power to do so?

I was going to . . . so close . . . I really was . . . my presidential pen was in my hand . . . I was playing with it . . . so much fun . . . in my hand . . . which are big, folks – big hands . . . no problems down there, my friends, trust me . . . Manicures are beautiful . . . everyone should get them . . . Sexy . . . 2024 Sexiest Person Who Has Ever Lived . . . Vote often.

Tengo Leche: But if you do pardon them in 2024, won’t it be too late? Your borrowers will have paid all those late fees and penalties by then or their homes will be foreclosed on and their cars repossessed?

No, no. Never too late . . . And, you know . . . the board was very mean to me . . . your president . . . very mean . . . Made me charge those late fees and penalties . . . that’s funny . . . How would fees know if they’re late? . . . They have no watches . . . Can’t tell time . . . but I don’t pay late fees . . . never . . . only suckers and losers do that . . . So should they be pardoned? . . . I don’t know. Maybe not . . . Perhaps I’m too nice . . . And beautiful . . . They’re not beautiful . . . But sexy is beautiful. 2024. Sexiest Person in Uranus . . . Vote often.