Tag Archives: Priests

Clown Show

Earlier this year at a Vatican near you, several soft-shoed monks overheard Pope Vapid Agonistes CLXXXIX talking with Father Orifice, his liaison with the Department of Cynical Ploys. That conversation has been faithfully transcribed below.

“Papa Agonistes, I’ve heard back from the trashmen -“

“Father Orifice, please, we call them trashpersons, now.”

“My apologies, Papa. I keep forgetting. The trashpersons aren’t interested in meeting with you for a photo op. They’re concerned about how that would look considering the scandals engulfing the Vatican.”

“Scandals? What scandals?”

“Well, now, these are their words. Not mine. So please don’t burn the messenger at the stake, but they said something about our dishonesty in covering up the rape of children by priests and our failure to address it forthrightly even now. Also, something about fraudulent activity within the Vatican bank. And, what else? Oh, yes, all the hypocrisy in dealing with LGBTQ matters. They talked a lot about hypocrisy in general. They thought a photo op would make them complicit.”

“This is so disappointing! That photo op was the perfect scheme to show the world that we’re really serious about pretending to take the trash out and clean this place up. What are we going to do?”

“I do have one idea, Papa. You know how everyone adores clowns?”

“Of course, and rightly so.”

“How they’re respected the world over?”

“Obviously. Their moral authority is as great as mine.”

“Here’s my idea . . .” Unfortunately, they turned a gold-gilded corner, and the silent monks could no longer hear their conversation, but two weeks later, while they were flagellating themselves, the monks did hear this.

“Papa, I have great news. America’s comedians have agreed to meet with you.”

“That’s wonderful. They’re not worried about complicity?”

“Not at all. They said whitewashing is what we do best. So, I’m thinking we can call the meeting a Conclave of Clowns. And then we’ll release a group picture of them fawning all over you, and underneath there’ll be a caption that reads: If we’re so corrupt and hypocritical, why do all these clowns love us?

Morally Bankrupt

Everyone knows politicians are morally bankrupt, but what Maryland has done is an abomination. That state’s politicians recently passed a law removing the statute of limitations on civil child sex abuse claims. Now victims can sue their purported abusers decades after they were raped. Worse, these abusers include priests who only wanted to lay their hands on these children and prey.

This has left the Archdiocese of Baltimore with one moral choice. It must resort to chapter 11 of title 11 in the Eleventh Commandment, which states “Thou shalt file bankruptcy to absolve yourself of financial liability for your sins, but only after exhausting all other options, such as lying, obfuscating, delaying, and deflecting.” So we have been forced once again, as if a nine inch nail was being held to our head, to put another diocese into bankruptcy. It’s unfortunate, but it’s far better than confessing . . . or being held responsible for our actions. And we take great consolation in knowing it’s what God wants. Trust us.

Excuse me, Father Orifice? Actually, it’s pronounced Oreefeechee, but what is it my dear pathetic fool? Are you saying God expects us to trust the people who allowed our children to be raped and then lied, covered it up, moved the abusers around so the truth would be hard to prove? God wants that?

Praise the Lord! I was concerned you wouldn’t get it. Hell, yeah, that’s exactly what God wants. Sure, we brought rapists into your communities and families. Then we lied about it. Covered it up. We did do that. But we would never do something evil like hiding assets, undervaluing property, and cynically manipulating the bankruptcy laws to delay accountability for years, minimize claims, and hope that with the further passage of time, God willing, more victims, abusers, and witnesses will die thereby decreasing the amount we would ultimately need to pay, hopefully, with Bitcoin. Now that would be morally bankrupt.

Father Orifice, Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology

This One’s About Morality

On January 5, 2022, Pope Francis delivered a sermon encouraging people to adopt children instead of pets. Now you may find it strange, or even insulting, that a group of men who are not allowed to have children are lecturing others about the need to adopt or have more children. You may even be horrified that the Catholic Church (with its sordid history of sexually abusing children) would have the gall to shame people on this topic. Those are valid points, so I intend to ignore them. Instead let’s focus on morality.

Adopting children instead of pets is clearly the moral thing to do – unless, of course, the children are LGBTQ. So let’s say you want to adopt a child. How can you tell the difference between an LGBTQ child and a perfect child? LGBTQ children are sneaky. Sometimes they are reluctant to share whether they are LGBTQ, because they suffer from a deviant defect called fear – as in fear of being ostracized or assaulted.

So how can you be sure the Catholic Church will embrace your adopted child? Here’s where Catholic priests can be really handsy. The Vatican is rolling out a new LGBTQ test. Parents, who are interested in the adoption of moral children, can contact their parish priest, and for the low price of $79.99 that priest will meet with the suspect child in the back of an unmarked white van and subject the child to a private, confidential, one-on-one LGBTQ test. All you need to do is sign the standard confidentiality agreements, waivers, releases, and covenants not to sue, which we will hold in our secure ark. You’ll need to pay the fee, too. Duh! So call now and start your adoption in the only way sanctioned by the Catholic Church. Personal checks not accepted.

Father Orifice (pronounced Orifeechee) – Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology