Tag Archives: Father Orifice

The Moral Universe

When I hear downtrodden people complaining about how they’ve been denied justice, I feel their pain. But how does one comfort people who have been cruelly denied rights and dignity? By quoting Dr. Martin Luther King, of course. So I counsel these desperate people to relax, because the “arc of the moral universe is long but it tends toward justice.”

Typically this just makes them angrier. So I assure them God is on their side, and someday he will help them. Or maybe He’ll help their children. Or their grandchildren. They just need to be patient. And then I walk away as quickly as I can.

Over the years, I wondered whether I was being genuine with these pathetic folks. Is there really a moral universe? Does it truly bend toward justice? Is God paying attention? Finally I can emphatically say YES to all three questions.

Every Sunday morning for forty years I golfed with my cousin. He was always better than me, and he would frequently bet that I wouldn’t sink a putt or chip out of a bunker. I ended up owing him a lot of money. So I wondered, where is God? Why won’t He save me from this suffering? Finally He did.

Six months ago my cousin had a massive stroke. He can no longer golf. Or talk. Or feed himself without assistance. And I am now free at last, free at last, on the golf course. So take heart, oppressed people. The universe is moral, and eventually God will answer your prayers.

Father Orifice (pronounced Oree-fee-chee), Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology

A Dreadful State of Affairs

Earlier this week FLACCID (Firearms Loving Americans Constantly Confronting Innovation and Decency) held its second annual convention at Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology. It was glorious to see so many FLACCID members on campus.

Just like last year, they asked me to open the convention with a prayer. Not trying to brag, but I’m pretty sure I nailed it with a nine inch nail. Here it is.

A Dreadful State of Affairs

Your school riddled with bullets and several friends too?
What a dreadful state of affairs!
Our thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Father Orifice (pronounced Orifeechee), Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology

This One’s About Morality

On January 5, 2022, Pope Francis delivered a sermon encouraging people to adopt children instead of pets. Now you may find it strange, or even insulting, that a group of men who are not allowed to have children are lecturing others about the need to adopt or have more children. You may even be horrified that the Catholic Church (with its sordid history of sexually abusing children) would have the gall to shame people on this topic. Those are valid points, so I intend to ignore them. Instead let’s focus on morality.

Adopting children instead of pets is clearly the moral thing to do – unless, of course, the children are LGBTQ. So let’s say you want to adopt a child. How can you tell the difference between an LGBTQ child and a perfect child? LGBTQ children are sneaky. Sometimes they are reluctant to share whether they are LGBTQ, because they suffer from a deviant defect called fear – as in fear of being ostracized or assaulted.

So how can you be sure the Catholic Church will embrace your adopted child? Here’s where Catholic priests can be really handsy. The Vatican is rolling out a new LGBTQ test. Parents, who are interested in the adoption of moral children, can contact their parish priest, and for the low price of $79.99 that priest will meet with the suspect child in the back of an unmarked white van and subject the child to a private, confidential, one-on-one LGBTQ test. All you need to do is sign the standard confidentiality agreements, waivers, releases, and covenants not to sue, which we will hold in our secure ark. You’ll need to pay the fee, too. Duh! So call now and start your adoption in the only way sanctioned by the Catholic Church. Personal checks not accepted.

Father Orifice (pronounced Orifeechee) – Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology