The world is cluttered with “be careful what you ask for” stories, so do we really need another one? Yes.
My grandmother passed away last week, so I was called back to Roanoke. At the gravesite, the minister gave a touching tribute. She obviously did not know my grandmother. As she was wrapping up, the minister did something unusual. She asked people to share their feelings.
“There are no wrong feelings at a time like this,” the minister encouraged.
After an awkward silence, someone volunteered, “sadness.”
“Of course, that’s very normal and appropriate,” the minister replied.
“Yes, that is normal too. We shouldn’t be afraid of our emotions. Everyone mourns differently. And that’s ok.”
“Arousal,” someone called out. A few people coughed. Others snickered, but in a respectful way.
“I think I understand what you mean,” the minister said haltingly. “Our brains our stimulated with all sorts of thoughts. It can be confusing.”
“No, I have an erection.”
“Well, that’s . . . “
“Let’s say a prayer, shall we?”
Tengo Leche, Social Anxiety Scholar
When I hear downtrodden people complaining about how they’ve been denied justice, I feel their pain. But how does one comfort people who have been cruelly denied rights and dignity? By quoting Dr. Martin Luther King, of course. So I counsel these desperate people to relax, because the “arc of the moral universe is long but it tends toward justice.”
Typically this just makes them angrier. So I assure them God is on their side, and someday he will help them. Or maybe He’ll help their children. Or their grandchildren. They just need to be patient. And then I walk away as quickly as I can.
Over the years, I wondered whether I was being genuine with these pathetic folks. Is there really a moral universe? Does it truly bend toward justice? Is God paying attention? Finally I can emphatically say YES to all three questions.
Every Sunday morning for forty years I golfed with my cousin. He was always better than me, and he would frequently bet that I wouldn’t sink a putt or chip out of a bunker. I ended up owing him a lot of money. So I wondered, where is God? Why won’t He save me from this suffering? Finally He did.
Six months ago my cousin had a massive stroke. He can no longer golf. Or talk. Or feed himself without assistance. And I am now free at last, free at last, on the golf course. So take heart, oppressed people. The universe is moral, and eventually God will answer your prayers.
Father Orifice (pronounced Oree-fee-chee), Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology
Earlier this week FLACCID (Firearms Loving Americans Constantly Confronting Innovation and Decency) held its second annual convention at Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology. It was glorious to see so many FLACCID members on campus.
Just like last year, they asked me to open the convention with a prayer. Not trying to brag, but I’m pretty sure I nailed it with a nine inch nail. Here it is.
A Dreadful State of Affairs
Your school riddled with bullets and several friends too?
What a dreadful state of affairs!
Our thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Father Orifice (pronounced Orifeechee), Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology
I've heard what you say in the name of love
and your favorite word is no.
I've seen what you do in the name of love
because the purple bruises still show.
You say you're a man of love
but that sounds dangerous to me,
so bring me no more love
and show me simple courtesy.
Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief
First published in Ariel Chart