I was at the club when a golf ball shaped minister said give him a second chance. Hear what he has to say. He makes more sense now that he's a CPA. Then a putting preacher proclaimed the good news: he went to Wharton and got an MBA. Hearing that, I dropped to my knees and prayed. And Jesus put aside peace in the Middle East to sanctify the deductions I should take. The truth depends, he chanted like a Gregorian, on how much the Emperor thinks you make. For you must render unto Caesar what is his but only confess what he already knows then set up a charity in the Caymans and watch as your blessings grow. I invited him for golf and a Bloody Mary or two. But isn't your club anti-Semitic, he asked. Jesus Christ, I laughed, you're not a Jew. Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief
Tag Archives: Golf
The Moral Universe
When I hear downtrodden people complaining about how they’ve been denied justice, I feel their pain. But how does one comfort people who have been cruelly denied rights and dignity? By quoting Dr. Martin Luther King, of course. So I counsel these desperate people to relax, because the “arc of the moral universe is long but it tends toward justice.”
Typically this just makes them angrier. So I assure them God is on their side, and someday he will help them. Or maybe He’ll help their children. Or their grandchildren. They just need to be patient. And then I walk away as quickly as I can.
Over the years, I wondered whether I was being genuine with these pathetic folks. Is there really a moral universe? Does it truly bend toward justice? Is God paying attention? Finally I can emphatically say YES to all three questions.
Every Sunday morning for forty years I golfed with my cousin. He was always better than me, and he would frequently bet that I wouldn’t sink a putt or chip out of a bunker. I ended up owing him a lot of money. So I wondered, where is God? Why won’t He save me from this suffering? Finally He did.
Six months ago my cousin had a massive stroke. He can no longer golf. Or talk. Or feed himself without assistance. And I am now free at last, free at last, on the golf course. So take heart, oppressed people. The universe is moral, and eventually God will answer your prayers.
Father Orifice (pronounced Oree-fee-chee), Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology