Tag Archives: United States

Nothing to See Here, Folks

A couple of days ago, I went to CNN to catch up on vital national and international news, and I came across an article informing me that Sheryl Crow sells her Tesla and donates proceeds to NPR (published 10:05 AM EST, Mon February 17, 2025). I was thrilled to see this because I’d been led to believe that some truly awful things were happening to people around the world. Calm down, I told myself. If CNN decides to spend its valuable and finite resources on reporting a celebrity’s publicity stunt, all must be well in the world.

Because it was bait, and I love fish, I clicked on it and learned that Ms. Crow, a rich celebrity, had decided to sell a luxury car she clearly didn’t need to protest the actions of Elon Musk, an even-richer person, who appears to believe he’s president of the United States. Now let me be clear, I have no problem with people peacefully protesting any president, even a pretend one who serves as a distraction for what the real one is doing. I love a stunt as much as anyone.

I was just concerned that real people were being harmed by real decisions being made by a real president. I’m relieved to see that’s not the case and that celebrities can still keep the focus on themselves.

Raven Breathless, Celebrity Stunts Editor

In a Surprise Only to Me

News Alert! The centrist leaning No Chance party has abandoned its plan to nominate a milquetoast candidate in this year’s U.S. presidential election. In making the announcement, No Chance spokesperson, Saffron Crow, spoke the following, “Pampered and self-satisfied Americans everywhere are hungry for two things: rice bowls with fried tofu and uninspiring presidential candidates with vague, non-offensive positions. That’s why we asked Shy Meeks and then E.Z. Timid and finally Vapid Agonistes to be our irresolute leader. Sadly, all of them refused. Despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary, we still believe our proud, enervated country craves unity over division, problem-solvers over problems, and competence over comedy. Accordingly, in four years, we will undertake this futile exercise in self-regard all over again. See you then.”

When asked if she was concerned that a vibrant democracy like the United States couldn’t support more than two viable political parties, Saffron Crow responded, “I’m not worried at all. In a democracy, vibrant or not, the people might not get the hero they need, but they always get the hero they deserve.”

Tengo Leche, Pointless Politics Editor

Avoiding Death Through Boredom

I would like to commend the long list of celebrities who have decided to renounce their U.S. citizenship and move to another country because they disagree with recent political developments. They are right to be concerned, but that is not why I want to commend them. They should be commended because none of them actually do it. They get all the benefits of appearing virtuous without any of the burdens. It’s brilliant.

I, too, am rich and famous. It’s awesome. I recommend it to everyone. The United States, quite simply, is the best country in the world – if you are rich and famous.

Being rich and famous allows me the time and luxury of being outraged on behalf of other people – particularly those poor things who have no time or luxury. It allows me to exercise the greatest privilege of all: virtue signaling without any accountability.

So I, too, hereby join the long list of celebrities who say they are renouncing their U.S. citizenship and moving to a more virtuous country. And just like them, I will stay put (in my Greenwich mansion overlooking Long Island Sound where I can do anything I want because I am rich and famous). After all, I’m not stupid. Just try finding a virtuous country that isn’t deadly boring.

Knowgood Carp, Owner of all the Hotels on Block Island (and Some in Connecticut).

Look at What’s Happening in France – Don’t Look Here

On rare occasions a powerful and secretive institution may become so corrupt, it should not be trusted to police itself. Fortunately that theory doesn’t apply to the Catholic Church.

Look at what’s happening in France. In October 2021, the Bishops Conference recognized that the Catholic Church was guilty of allowing the sexual abuse of children to become “systemic” after an independent investigation found an estimated 216,000 children were victims of abuse by the clergy since 1950. See! They acknowledge there might be a problem – though they haven’t really said what they plan to do about it. But, obviously, they can continue to police themselves.

And let’s not get distracted by (what some would call) a scandal. France is an isolated incident. As is Ireland, Australia, Germany, and all the others. In the United States, the Catholic Church has been far more honest. A few dioceses have filed bankruptcy so some assets can be sold for the benefit of victims (assuming there are any). Now when I say assets, I certainly don’t mean all assets. Just those the public knows about.

So have faith. More importantly, please continue to send us money. We actually want your money more than we want your faith.

And don’t worry about these peccadillos. I like that word because it sounds like peck of dildos – so it’s funny and we can all laugh and maybe change the topic. Perhaps to more words that sound like sex toys.

Father Orifice (pronounced Orifeechee), Chaplain of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology