Clown Show

Earlier this year at a Vatican near you, several soft-shoed monks overheard Pope Vapid Agonistes CLXXXIX talking with Father Orifice, his liaison with the Department of Cynical Ploys. That conversation has been faithfully transcribed below.

“Papa Agonistes, I’ve heard back from the trashmen -“

“Father Orifice, please, we call them trashpersons, now.”

“My apologies, Papa. I keep forgetting. The trashpersons aren’t interested in meeting with you for a photo op. They’re concerned about how that would look considering the scandals engulfing the Vatican.”

“Scandals? What scandals?”

“Well, now, these are their words. Not mine. So please don’t burn the messenger at the stake, but they said something about our dishonesty in covering up the rape of children by priests and our failure to address it forthrightly even now. Also, something about fraudulent activity within the Vatican bank. And, what else? Oh, yes, all the hypocrisy in dealing with LGBTQ matters. They talked a lot about hypocrisy in general. They thought a photo op would make them complicit.”

“This is so disappointing! That photo op was the perfect scheme to show the world that we’re really serious about pretending to take the trash out and clean this place up. What are we going to do?”

“I do have one idea, Papa. You know how everyone adores clowns?”

“Of course, and rightly so.”

“How they’re respected the world over?”

“Obviously. Their moral authority is as great as mine.”

“Here’s my idea . . .” Unfortunately, they turned a gold-gilded corner, and the silent monks could no longer hear their conversation, but two weeks later, while they were flagellating themselves, the monks did hear this.

“Papa, I have great news. America’s comedians have agreed to meet with you.”

“That’s wonderful. They’re not worried about complicity?”

“Not at all. They said whitewashing is what we do best. So, I’m thinking we can call the meeting a Conclave of Clowns. And then we’ll release a group picture of them fawning all over you, and underneath there’ll be a caption that reads: If we’re so corrupt and hypocritical, why do all these clowns love us?