Avoiding Death Through Boredom

I would like to commend the long list of celebrities who have decided to renounce their U.S. citizenship and move to another country because they disagree with recent political developments. They are right to be concerned, but that is not why I want to commend them. They should be commended because none of them actually do it. They get all the benefits of appearing virtuous without any of the burdens. It’s brilliant.

I, too, am rich and famous. It’s awesome. I recommend it to everyone. The United States, quite simply, is the best country in the world – if you are rich and famous.

Being rich and famous allows me the time and luxury of being outraged on behalf of other people – particularly those poor things who have no time or luxury. It allows me to exercise the greatest privilege of all: virtue signaling without any accountability.

So I, too, hereby join the long list of celebrities who say they are renouncing their U.S. citizenship and moving to a more virtuous country. And just like them, I will stay put (in my Greenwich mansion overlooking Long Island Sound where I can do anything I want because I am rich and famous). After all, I’m not stupid. Just try finding a virtuous country that isn’t deadly boring.

Knowgood Carp, Owner of all the Hotels on Block Island (and Some in Connecticut).

The Girl With Ocean Eyes

A spiced-rum girl with ocean eyes
big-bellied sailboats and osprey cries
the climbing sun in full splendor
but foolishly I did not surrender.

I had promising places to be.
My spiced-rum girl would wait for me.

The osprey and big bellied boats gone
all my assumptions of the future wrong
pink fingers release a sinking sun.
Girls with ocean eyes wait for no one.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Vanilla: The Finest of the Flavors

As a lawyer I know words matter. So did another fine lawyer, Thomas Jefferson. And he meant exactly what he said when he wrote all cisgender, heterosexual White “men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights.” These include life, liberty, and the protection of the patriarchy.

Now just calm down. You don’t need to worry, because the patriarchy works for Others (people who aren’t cisgender, heterosexual White men) too. So we’ll take care of your needs right after we take care of our wants.

As cisgender, heterosexual White men, we know things. Such as choice is great – particularly when you have all the choices. We also know responsibility sucks. That’s why we avoid it.

And this leads me to the recent kerfuffle about the U.S. Supreme Court ending federal protections for abortion. We recognize pregnancy brings some risk and considerable responsibility. But not for us. So why would anyone need a choice when it comes to continuing a pregnancy or not?

In conclusion, let me quote those great political philosophers, Bare Naked Ladies: “I like vanilla. It’s the finest of the flavors.” That means trust the patriarchy. After all, look at what we’ve done for you so far. Just imagine what we’ll do next.

Treacherous Gulp, Esquire – Counsel for Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology

London Fields: Sex, Death, and Darts!

Martin Amis’ London Fields was published in 1989, and its obsession with the end of the millennium is humorously bleak. Or is it bleakly humorous? I don’t know. But there are other obsessions in the book, too. Oddly (to an American), darts is one. So is death. And sex. Definitely sex. And death. Definitely death.

The story is a disturbing love quadrangle. Keith Talent is a violent, misogynistic cheat. Guy Clinch is an inept, credulous romantic. Samson (Sam) Young is an author. And because this is a “modern” novel, he is also the narrator, but he is not “one of those excitable types who get caught making things up.” So does that mean he’s honest? Or does it mean he’s never been caught lying?

Nicola Six (think Sex) is the black hole these men don’t try to escape. When she was a child, she had an imaginary friend named Enola Gay, and Enola had a little boy. Yeah, Mr Amis does not paint with pastels.

Nicola has always been able to sense when something will happen, so she knows she will be murdered on her 35th birthday. She’s looking forward to it. Oh, yes, nearly forgot – the world, and everything in it, is shabby. Except Nicola. She’s resplendent and wants to die.

From the beginning we know who the murderer is. We also know Nicola is the “murderee” (she is definitely not the victim), and we know when she will be killed. As Sam explains, the story is not a “whodunit”. It’s a “whydoit”. It succeeds either way.

But why is Nicola obsessed with death? Is she heart-broken? Is she bored? What does Nicola say about it? “I am a male fantasy figure. I’ve been one for fifteen years. It really takes it out of a girl.”

Nicola is every sexual fantasy men have. But is she just drawn that way? Like Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. We only see her through Sam’s filter. When Nicola reads a chapter Sam has written about her, she doesn’t recognize herself. But that doesn’t matter to Sam. It’s how he sees her, and he’s writing the story. So does Nicola welcome death because she’s too good for this shabby world? Or is it the only way out of a story in which she does not recognize herself?

Gladiola Overdrive, Chief Editor

Open Letter from Putin to Zelensky – Solution to World Hunger

Dear Smushed Slug on Heel of my Boot:

‘Sup, dog! So you know parts of world facing severe food shortages because your poorly-run territory can’t ship grain for some reason. I have brilliant solution! I loaded all your grain in my ships and am ready to sell to world. Important to do this now, because prices really high.

But, horror! You put mines in waterways I need to travel. We must cooperate to solve world hunger. So remove mines immediately!

Then I sell grain. But this “give and take” benefits you too. The money I make helps me help you crush all criminal resistance in Ukraine. It’s win-win.

Please respond now and include address where you sleep tonight.

Vlad the Great

The Federal Voyeur Hotline

We created the Federal Voyeur Hotline
because sometimes people can't decide
if what they're watching is a crime,
so we say you shouldn't try
because you can never be wrong
if you let us decide what's right -
especially when so many matchsticks
are begging for a reason to strike.
So it's better if we watch too,
and if you don't call us
then we'll watch you.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

An Indecent Proposal (Part 2)

Having recently given $5.00 to a homeless man near my office, I was shocked to see him today sitting in the same spot. How much money does a homeless person need? He’s homeless.

As I got closer I realized this was a different man. He just wore the same filthy clothes as the other guy. No one was around so I ignored him.

I got my iced coffee and headed back to the office. The homeless man was still there, but this time an attractive woman was walking towards me. I was prepared. I stopped in front of the homeless man and held out $2.00 (I had change this time). When he looked up, I saw a nasty gash on the bridge of his nose. It was still bleeding. Why was he getting into fights? He looked frail as a sparrow. He shouldn’t be starting fights.

He blinked in surprise but said, “thank you, brother.” I laughed because I don’t have a brother. “I’m Michael,” he rasped. “What’s your name?” I told him, “Joe.”

I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he had a name. I was so distracted the young woman walked by before I could waylay her and let her know how much I enjoy helping the wretched. The whole thing was a disaster.

Knowgood Carp, Owner of All the Hotels on Block Island and Some in Connecticut.