Tag Archives: Celebrities

Bubble Butt

When I grapple with something truly complicated, like the current Israeli-Hamas conflict, and consider the tortured history and the tangled motivations, I can’t help but wonder. What do the celebrities have to say about it?

Fortunately I never have to wonder for long. Celebrities are extremely generous with their opinions on, well, everything. And that makes sense. They’re good-looking, excellent at pretending, and live in a bubble where people are paid lots of money to do mundane things so those celebrities can focus exclusively on serious issues, like being good-looking and pretending to be someone they aren’t.

Many people are subject-matter experts on the serious and thorny matters that concern humanity. But here’s the issue. They aren’t good-looking. And subject-matter experts suck at pretending there are easy answers to complex problems. It’s a wonder anyone would ever listen to them.

Saffron Crow, Editor of Simple Solutions

Avoiding Death Through Boredom

I would like to commend the long list of celebrities who have decided to renounce their U.S. citizenship and move to another country because they disagree with recent political developments. They are right to be concerned, but that is not why I want to commend them. They should be commended because none of them actually do it. They get all the benefits of appearing virtuous without any of the burdens. It’s brilliant.

I, too, am rich and famous. It’s awesome. I recommend it to everyone. The United States, quite simply, is the best country in the world – if you are rich and famous.

Being rich and famous allows me the time and luxury of being outraged on behalf of other people – particularly those poor things who have no time or luxury. It allows me to exercise the greatest privilege of all: virtue signaling without any accountability.

So I, too, hereby join the long list of celebrities who say they are renouncing their U.S. citizenship and moving to a more virtuous country. And just like them, I will stay put (in my Greenwich mansion overlooking Long Island Sound where I can do anything I want because I am rich and famous). After all, I’m not stupid. Just try finding a virtuous country that isn’t deadly boring.

Knowgood Carp, Owner of all the Hotels on Block Island (and Some in Connecticut).

The Right to Remain Silent

If you are a prominent person with a large social media presence and you excel at one thing (for example, acting, sports, shamelessness, or being born into extreme luxury), I would like to suggest that you don’t need to comment on everything. You don’t need to wait until you are dead or arrested to exercise your right to remain silent.

Let’s pretend you are a major sports star, and you intentionally misled millions of people about whether you have been vaccinated or not. You should remain silent after losing a play-off game. If you are incapable of doing that, you should at least not complain about how people are angry with you and how some of them are happy you lost. People get angry when they are lied to.

Or let’s pretend you disagree with someone about whether vaccines are effective. You should not call that person a Nazi or compare how you are being treated to the Holocaust. Here are 3 rules that may be helpful to you:

Do not call people Nazis unless they voluntarily dress in Nazi paraphernalia. Even then ask yourself – are they performing in a revival of The Sound of Music? If so, they still may not be Nazis regardless of how they are dressed.

Do not say your situation is like the Holocaust, unless you are being starved and tortured in a concentration camp.

Use your words wisely. Ask yourself – if I were to die tomorrow, are these the last words I would want to be remembered by?

See you soon.

Raven Breathless (fka Death), Senior Human Rights Correspondent