Tag Archives: News

Nothing to See Here, Folks

A couple of days ago, I went to CNN to catch up on vital national and international news, and I came across an article informing me that Sheryl Crow sells her Tesla and donates proceeds to NPR (published 10:05 AM EST, Mon February 17, 2025). I was thrilled to see this because I’d been led to believe that some truly awful things were happening to people around the world. Calm down, I told myself. If CNN decides to spend its valuable and finite resources on reporting a celebrity’s publicity stunt, all must be well in the world.

Because it was bait, and I love fish, I clicked on it and learned that Ms. Crow, a rich celebrity, had decided to sell a luxury car she clearly didn’t need to protest the actions of Elon Musk, an even-richer person, who appears to believe he’s president of the United States. Now let me be clear, I have no problem with people peacefully protesting any president, even a pretend one who serves as a distraction for what the real one is doing. I love a stunt as much as anyone.

I was just concerned that real people were being harmed by real decisions being made by a real president. I’m relieved to see that’s not the case and that celebrities can still keep the focus on themselves.

Raven Breathless, Celebrity Stunts Editor

Didn’t See That One Coming

We, here, at Pungent Sound Journal of Pulp Poetry would like to commend the International Press Corps for its incisive undercover reporting on a major international scandal. We, also, freely admit that we dropped the ball. We were duped. It embarrasses us to say so, but the truth is the truth, and the truth is the press’ currency of the realm.

We didn’t see it coming, and we’re galled by the brazenness of the deception. Like all intelligent people of good will, we trusted the British monarchy. After all, it earned our trust after hundreds of years of selfless service and beneficial works. So we were stunned when every global news agency reported for 48 uninterrupted hours that the British royal family doctored a picture for the sole purpose of making themselves look good.

We were even more surprised that the most pampered and privileged people in the world – people who do nothing all day long and are lavishly rewarded for it – could suck so bad at photo editing. Presenting a false image of happiness and respectability has been their only job for 100 years or so.

So kudos to you International Press Corps. The people of Haiti, Gaza, Israel, and Ukraine thank you for keeping the world focused on the truly important stories impacting humanity.

Saffron Crow, Photo Doctoring Editor

Breaking News

A cow covered with hundreds of mouth-like lesions   
each containing a tongue that lovingly licks my ear -    
tells me all the black lies I desperately want to hear;    
a massive udder with hundreds of mottled leathery teats    
and I suck the sour milk.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Putin Promises to Die

On April 1, 2022, Vladimir Putin announced to the world he would die that night at 9:00 p.m. “I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do. I don’t see any need to continue living. I’ve always wanted to control everything and everyone so why not control death as well.”

“Do you promise to die?” A reporter asked. “Because you have a habit of saying one thing and doing the opposite.”

“That’s not true,” Mr. Putin said, as security pummeled the reporter. “If I say I am going to die tonight, peacefully in my sleep, then that is what will happen. Do any of the remaining reporters have more questions?” They did not.

The world rejoiced at the news. “This is wonderful! Everyone will be much safer now,” one man said before being poisoned.

“Can you believe him?” I asked. But the man was already dead.

On April 2, 2022, the world woke up smiling and so did Vladimir Putin. “But he promised,” everyone said in shock. “How can this be?”

That afternoon news from the Kremlin leaked. Mr. Putin’s promise to die had been a ruse. “Apparently,” said one reporter, who is now missing, “Mr. Putin had eyes on the wife of one of his generals. His announcement was intended to lull the general into a false sense of security. Instead of dying the night of April 1st, Putin was having sex with the general’s wife.”

“Dammit,” the general exclaimed. “He got me again.”

Tengo Leche, Free Lance Reporter and Social Anxiety Scholar

Breaking News

Hello! Here at Pungent Sound we love the news. It does not matter what kind: TV news, internet news, radio news, podcasts, twitter, gossip, and analysis. It’s all the same, and it’s all fantastic.

We appreciate the thoughtfulness. The measured tones. The respect these outlets have for their readers, viewers, and listeners. Most of all, we appreciate the accuracy. And there is no doubt that competition and variety have elevated social discourse and enlightened the public. With all this in mind, I wrote the following poetic tribute.

Breaking News

   A cow covered with hundreds
   of mouth-like lesions
   each containing a tongue
   that lovingly licks my ear -
   tells me all the black lies
   I desperately want to hear;
   a massive udder with hundreds
   of mottled leathery teats -
   and I suck the sour milk.

   Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief and Adjunct Professor for Student Loans

First Published in Ariel Chart.