Tag Archives: Satire

Less is More Advice

Being an accomplished white middle aged man in my sixties, it’s my burden to give advice to others especially when they don’t ask for it. They’re the ones who need my advice the most.

I was walking to work after stopping at Breadcraft for my tasty morning pastry and large iced coffee. Ordinarily I don’t see color. Like, seriously, this was the first time I ever saw a brown man on Church Street. He was walking towards me hugging a cardboard box to his chest, as if it held all his worldly possessions. His clothes were wrinkled and dirty and his hair was tussled, but not in a fashionable way like mine.

I always treat people with the respect they deserve so I told him, “Hey, you there, these possessions are weighing you down. You need to jettison them. Be fleet of foot and light of heart. Don’t chain yourself to meaningless things. They just slow you down. Oh, yeah, and get a job, okay?”

When I got to my office of many windows, where I can look down on the street people, I wondered. Do I follow my own advice? Am I weighed down by useless possessions? Of course not, I laughed. I don’t need that mountain house. I haven’t been there in 18 months. I’m perfectly happy with just my high-rise condo and my beach house. I could jettison that mountain home tomorrow. As for my Mercedes, I could get rid of that, no problem. I’d just drive my Range Rover or Lexus. And three girlfriends? I don’t need three. Becca’s a pain in the ass. I could jettison her tomorrow. In fact, let’s get started on that right now.

Knowgood Carp, Owner of all the Hotels on Block Island and Some in Connecticut.

Nothing to See Here, Folks

A couple of days ago, I went to CNN to catch up on vital national and international news, and I came across an article informing me that Sheryl Crow sells her Tesla and donates proceeds to NPR (published 10:05 AM EST, Mon February 17, 2025). I was thrilled to see this because I’d been led to believe that some truly awful things were happening to people around the world. Calm down, I told myself. If CNN decides to spend its valuable and finite resources on reporting a celebrity’s publicity stunt, all must be well in the world.

Because it was bait, and I love fish, I clicked on it and learned that Ms. Crow, a rich celebrity, had decided to sell a luxury car she clearly didn’t need to protest the actions of Elon Musk, an even-richer person, who appears to believe he’s president of the United States. Now let me be clear, I have no problem with people peacefully protesting any president, even a pretend one who serves as a distraction for what the real one is doing. I love a stunt as much as anyone.

I was just concerned that real people were being harmed by real decisions being made by a real president. I’m relieved to see that’s not the case and that celebrities can still keep the focus on themselves.

Raven Breathless, Celebrity Stunts Editor

Important Books

It was frigid last weekend so I did my favorite thing. After that, I plugged in the space heater and cracked open an important book. I only read important books.

But, Saffron, how do you know which books are important and which aren’t?

It’s easy. The publishing companies tell you upfront, right on the cover. Usually it’s a quote from the author, or someone else you’ve never heard of, proclaiming THIS IS AN IMPORTANT BOOK!!! There’s a ton of important books published every year, so it never takes long to find one. At first this surprised me. I used to think an important book would be hard to write. Obviously not. People do it all the time.

But, Saffron, should I let someone else tell me a book is important? That’s so subjective. Shouldn’t I decide whether I think a book is important after I’ve read it?

No.

Saffron Crow, Important Books Reader

An Interview With a Movie Star – You’re Welcome

Tengo Leche: So in your new movie, you play an agent assigned to infiltrate a white supremacist group. How hard was that role for you?

Movie Star: It was extremely challenging. I had to pretend that people pretending to be white supremacists would pretend to torture and kill me if they found out I was pretending to be an undercover government agent. It was stressful.

Tengo Leche: God, you’re handsome.

Movie Star: Yes, I am.

Tengo Leche: Was it difficult to get into character?

Movie Star: Yes, very. I had to memorize lots of lines, and it wasn’t natural for me to act as if I was living on a government salary. That took some imagination.

Tengo Leche: God, you’re so brave.

Movie Star: Yes, I am.

Tengo Leche: Do you prevail over the bad guys in the end?

Movie Star: Well, I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s just say I do manage to keep the world safe for all people, not just the white supremacists.

Tengo Leche: Thank you for your service.

Movie Star: You’re welcome.

Tengo Leche, Celebrity News Editor

The Dangers of Being a Pretend Poet – Traveling Internationally

The dangers are legion, but when you travel internationally foreigners mess with your mind. The problem is, however, when you’re in their country, they technically aren’t foreigners.

Here’s an example, I was in an Athens bar, and I asked the bartender where the Acropolis is. He said, “Which one?” So I said, “Hey man, don’t mess with me, I’m American!“

Now, you can get away with that in Barcelona, because the Spaniards will just pull out a squirt gun and spray water on your shirt. But in Athens, the Greeks will pour Ouzo on your head and try to set you on fire, so I profusely apologized and then told him, “I’m Canadian.” That solved everything, and we spent the rest of the night mocking Americans.

By the way, acropolis doesn’t mean what I thought it meant. An acropolis is the highest hill in a city, so nearly every city in Greece has an acropolis.

Tengo Leche, International Affairs Editor

The 4th of July

A straw man riding a sacred cow
pulling a tethered scapegoat
arrived in a town named Trope
just when they were needed most.

Luvgood Carp, Editor-in-Chief

Clown Show

Earlier this year at a Vatican near you, several soft-shoed monks overheard Pope Vapid Agonistes CLXXXIX talking with Father Orifice, his liaison with the Department of Cynical Ploys. That conversation has been faithfully transcribed below.

“Papa Agonistes, I’ve heard back from the trashmen -“

“Father Orifice, please, we call them trashpersons, now.”

“My apologies, Papa. I keep forgetting. The trashpersons aren’t interested in meeting with you for a photo op. They’re concerned about how that would look considering the scandals engulfing the Vatican.”

“Scandals? What scandals?”

“Well, now, these are their words. Not mine. So please don’t burn the messenger at the stake, but they said something about our dishonesty in covering up the rape of children by priests and our failure to address it forthrightly even now. Also, something about fraudulent activity within the Vatican bank. And, what else? Oh, yes, all the hypocrisy in dealing with LGBTQ matters. They talked a lot about hypocrisy in general. They thought a photo op would make them complicit.”

“This is so disappointing! That photo op was the perfect scheme to show the world that we’re really serious about pretending to take the trash out and clean this place up. What are we going to do?”

“I do have one idea, Papa. You know how everyone adores clowns?”

“Of course, and rightly so.”

“How they’re respected the world over?”

“Obviously. Their moral authority is as great as mine.”

“Here’s my idea . . .” Unfortunately, they turned a gold-gilded corner, and the silent monks could no longer hear their conversation, but two weeks later, while they were flagellating themselves, the monks did hear this.

“Papa, I have great news. America’s comedians have agreed to meet with you.”

“That’s wonderful. They’re not worried about complicity?”

“Not at all. They said whitewashing is what we do best. So, I’m thinking we can call the meeting a Conclave of Clowns. And then we’ll release a group picture of them fawning all over you, and underneath there’ll be a caption that reads: If we’re so corrupt and hypocritical, why do all these clowns love us?

When You Google It, Just Remember – It’s Penal, Not Penile

Published in 2023, Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah’s Chain-Gang All Stars is influenced by some of America’s sports/entertainment behemoths, including the National Football League, Reality Television, and the World Wrestling Foundation. If you think of capitalism as a game, throw that one in, too. Each has a “bloodsport” element to it, so it’s understandable that Adjei-Brenyah draws from them, because Chain-Gang All-Stars is the “crown jewel in the Criminal Action Penal Entertainment program.” It allows felons “under their own will and power . . . to forgo a state-administered execution or a sentence totaling at least twenty-five year’s imprisonment” to participate in a spectacle where they can travel the country, get some fresh air, and perhaps become a hero. Oh, yeah, every couple of weeks or so, they’ll have to fight each other to the death in sold-out arenas and on pay-per-view television. But if they survive three years in the program, they may be granted clemency or a full pardon. Yippee! Where do I sign?

What’s that, dear reader? Yes, you’re correct. This has been done before. Several times, in fact. There’s the movie, The Longest Yard, and the re-make of that movie, also called The Longest Yard. And the movie, Running Man, and the other movie, Escape From New York, and the Hunger Games franchise. So it’s not really a fresh idea.

Except, here, everything in the penile, dammit, penal system is privately owned, and the competitors have corporate sponsors. Oh, yeah, that’s been done before, too.

How about this? Adjei-Brenyah wants you to take his premise as seriously as he does. And he’s not afraid to preach. The system is evil, evil, evil. He’s going to smack you in the face with the horror of it all, because he’s concerned you won’t figure it out on your own. These prisoners are humans, who’ve had traumatic upbringings. In case that’s inconceivable to you, he has characters say things like “These marks (tattoos showing the number of kills they have) don’t mean we aren’t people. These chains don’t mean we have to do it like they want.” He has footnotes! They cite statistics!! Some are relevant!!!

All of this is to impress upon the reader that America’s penal system is dehumanizing and evil. And the reader is like no shit, I already knew it was awful and in desperate need of reform. The fact that you’ve come up with a bloodier version of a more-than-twice-told tale doesn’t shed more light on the subject.

The outlandish premise would have been perfect for a satire, and that seems to be what Adjei-Brenyah initially intended. But about halfway through, he abandons that approach and turns to evangelism. The story is violent, bloody, and angry. Those are its strengths. There’s just one weakness. All that preaching and self-seriousness gets to be a bore.

Gladiola Overdrive, Chief Editor

About the College – Updated to Include Vital Information About Barnacles

Hello!

As CEO of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology, I can tell you we are proud to be a for-profit school.  In fact, it’s an honor to wake up every morning, see our students’ smiling faces on video, and know that we are exclusively devoted to serving our shareholders.

The college is currently located on the tranquil waters of Pungent Sound.  It’s romantic, but don’t let the setting fool you.  The college is very difficult to get into.  Not in the academic sense – if you can pay the tuition, you’re in.  It’s difficult to get into physically, because the college is on a barge, which enables us to move whenever we find it necessary to do so.  But that shouldn’t concern our students, because we offer a virtual education; so if you have a computer, you have a virtual college.

Are you looking for the best education we can offer?  Then you’ve found the right school!  But wait, there’s more.  We can help you secure a loan to pay your tuition.  Our staff is motivated to assist you because they work on commission. 

So why haven’t you applied!?!  Be a Barnacle.  That’s our school mascot, because barnacles have astonishingly long penises; eight times longer than the rest of their bodies, and they reproduce by ejaculating into the ocean.  So dive in and take a swim at Pungent Sound Technical College for Technology.  And remember, I’m not only the CEO; I’m a shareholder. 

Titmouse Beak, CEO of Pungent Sound Technical College of Technology