Tag Archives: Saffron Crow

Important Books

It was frigid last weekend so I did my favorite thing. After that, I plugged in the space heater and cracked open an important book. I only read important books.

But, Saffron, how do you know which books are important and which aren’t?

It’s easy. The publishing companies tell you upfront, right on the cover. Usually it’s a quote from the author, or someone else you’ve never heard of, proclaiming THIS IS AN IMPORTANT BOOK!!! There’s a ton of important books published every year, so it never takes long to find one. At first this surprised me. I used to think an important book would be hard to write. Obviously not. People do it all the time.

But, Saffron, should I let someone else tell me a book is important? That’s so subjective. Shouldn’t I decide whether I think a book is important after I’ve read it?

No.

Saffron Crow, Important Books Reader

In a Surprise Only to Me

News Alert! The centrist leaning No Chance party has abandoned its plan to nominate a milquetoast candidate in this year’s U.S. presidential election. In making the announcement, No Chance spokesperson, Saffron Crow, spoke the following, “Pampered and self-satisfied Americans everywhere are hungry for two things: rice bowls with fried tofu and uninspiring presidential candidates with vague, non-offensive positions. That’s why we asked Shy Meeks and then E.Z. Timid and finally Vapid Agonistes to be our irresolute leader. Sadly, all of them refused. Despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary, we still believe our proud, enervated country craves unity over division, problem-solvers over problems, and competence over comedy. Accordingly, in four years, we will undertake this futile exercise in self-regard all over again. See you then.”

When asked if she was concerned that a vibrant democracy like the United States couldn’t support more than two viable political parties, Saffron Crow responded, “I’m not worried at all. In a democracy, vibrant or not, the people might not get the hero they need, but they always get the hero they deserve.”

Tengo Leche, Pointless Politics Editor

Didn’t See That One Coming

We, here, at Pungent Sound Journal of Pulp Poetry would like to commend the International Press Corps for its incisive undercover reporting on a major international scandal. We, also, freely admit that we dropped the ball. We were duped. It embarrasses us to say so, but the truth is the truth, and the truth is the press’ currency of the realm.

We didn’t see it coming, and we’re galled by the brazenness of the deception. Like all intelligent people of good will, we trusted the British monarchy. After all, it earned our trust after hundreds of years of selfless service and beneficial works. So we were stunned when every global news agency reported for 48 uninterrupted hours that the British royal family doctored a picture for the sole purpose of making themselves look good.

We were even more surprised that the most pampered and privileged people in the world – people who do nothing all day long and are lavishly rewarded for it – could suck so bad at photo editing. Presenting a false image of happiness and respectability has been their only job for 100 years or so.

So kudos to you International Press Corps. The people of Haiti, Gaza, Israel, and Ukraine thank you for keeping the world focused on the truly important stories impacting humanity.

Saffron Crow, Photo Doctoring Editor

Bubble Butt

When I grapple with something truly complicated, like the current Israeli-Hamas conflict, and consider the tortured history and the tangled motivations, I can’t help but wonder. What do the celebrities have to say about it?

Fortunately I never have to wonder for long. Celebrities are extremely generous with their opinions on, well, everything. And that makes sense. They’re good-looking, excellent at pretending, and live in a bubble where people are paid lots of money to do mundane things so those celebrities can focus exclusively on serious issues, like being good-looking and pretending to be someone they aren’t.

Many people are subject-matter experts on the serious and thorny matters that concern humanity. But here’s the issue. They aren’t good-looking. And subject-matter experts suck at pretending there are easy answers to complex problems. It’s a wonder anyone would ever listen to them.

Saffron Crow, Editor of Simple Solutions

The Silent Majority

Over Mother’s Day weekend I attended the 2023 Fiesta Asia Street Fair in Washington, DC. It was a mosaic of wonderful music, dancing, art, and food. Afterwards, I was walking along Constitution Avenue close to the National Museum of African-American History and Culture. That’s when I heard drums.

Looking around, I noticed a parade of approximately 80 white men dressed in little boy sailor suits. They were banging on drums and waving banners that read RECLAIM AMERICA. When they got close, I could read the blue lettering on their white caps: NAMBI, which stands for National Association of Man-Boys & Incels – a neo-Nazi, white supremacist group. They were surrounded by police officers balancing on road bikes.

Curious, I started walking next to one of the marchers and introduced myself. “Are you related to Jim Crow?” he asked.

“No.”

“That’s a shame. He’s our favorite founding father.”

“Who are you trying to reclaim America from?”

“Anyone who isn’t 100% white, 100% Christian, and 100% performatively-Alpha male.”

“Is anyone in America 100% anything?”

“That’s why we need to act now. Before it’s too late.”

“Are you disappointed no one has come out to support you?”

“Not at all. We know the majority of people support us. They’re just silent.”

“Have you thought they might be silent because they disagree with you?”

“I didn’t get here by having thoughts.””

“Do you find it funny that every police officer here protecting you is black?”

“As far as I know, NAMBIs don’t have a sense of humor. So, no, I don’t find that funny.”

“When you say reclaim America, what do you mean?”

“Go back to the way things used to be.”

“How far back is that? Like, does that mean going back to the days of slavery?”

“No. Don’t be ridiculous. We’re just trying to stop the erosion of de facto segregation. Once we do that, we can work on bringing back de jure segregation. But let me be clear – no one, and I mean no one, is trying to bring back slavery. Yet.”

Saffron Crow, Parade Reporter

Cerebral Thoughts on Art’s Entirely Benevolent Contribution to Civilization

I have drawn a portrait of God
and He looks like me.

Not you.

                    Me.

Saffron Crow, Art Editor

Correcting an Injustice

So many wonderful characters are found in American folklore.  You have Rip Van Winkle, Harriet Tubman, Calamity Jane, John Henry . . . Cocaine Bear.  Their fame is deserved, and our culture rightfully honors them.  But, sadly, fame is fickle and not all of our heroes are still treasured.  Some have been forgotten.  One icon’s fate has been particularly cruel and unjust.

I speak, of course, about Tug the Wicked Pirate.  He wasn’t wicked at all.  He was a happy-go-lucky stiff who loved to dance – usually by himself.  And he was only called a pirate because he had one eye (having shot the other one out when he was 13).  Tug was famous for sailing his sloop, The Charmed Snake, all over Pungent Sound where he seeded the clam beds around Block Island.  Scholars say he spread more seed than Johnny Appleseed, and his left hand was more calloused than Paul Bunyan’s.  He single-handedly saved Block Island’s clam industry. It is long past time for him to take his place in the pantheon of American folk heroes.

So the next time you eat a clam, think Tug the Wicked Pirate.  And, if this post has inspired you, join us on Block Island on August 16th (his birthday) for Tug the Wicked Pirate Day.  There’ll be fireworks.

Saffron Crow, American Folklore Scholar

Kinda Like Loam – A Testimonial

When Uncle Wood died, we were bereft. No one knew what to do with his wrinkled corpse. He hadn’t made any plans for his burial. We were stuck.

So we turned to the internet for solutions. Surprisingly, there are lots of laws restricting what people can do with corpses. Fortunately, we found Raven Breathless’ Kind Like Loam (patent pending). It’s the almost natural way to speedily decompose unwanted corpses.

So we shipped Uncle Wood up to Block Island and about six weeks later a bag of Kinda Like Loam arrived at our home – just in time for Christmas. The bag was really heavy, but once we removed Uncle’s titanium knees, iron lung, plastic heart, and the sharp blade he used as a tongue it was much lighter. But where to dump him?

Having ruined so many Thanksgivings, no one wanted to sprinkle him near the house. So we settled on Dr. Pepper Park, where we found a thriving cherry tree and poured out Uncle Wood at its base. We chose a cherry tree because Uncle’s nickname was Soft Wood. It just seemed perfect.

And it was. Within 5 days that tree died, and after a burst of heavy rain some of Uncle Wood ran into the Roanoke River. All the catfish turned belly up. And when you poked them, they exploded. The air smelled like Uncle Wood and rotting fish. It was exactly what he would have wanted.

Thanks so much, Raven Breathless. Now we can’t wait for Auntie Blister to die.

Saffron Crow, Special Correspondent for Corpse Disposal

What Are You Worried About, Darling?

O.K. You’ve produced a movie and it sucks. At an epic level. It’s the next Garfield. Rotten Tomatoes refuses to review it because there are not enough rotten tomatoes in the world to throw at it. What do you do?

Saffron:  Are the two male leads super hot and androgynous?

Producer:  Of course.

Saffron:  Can you get them to spit on each other at a film festival? 

Producer:  No.

Saffron:  Can you get them to pretend to spit on each other?

Producer:  No, only one of them will agree to that?

Saffron:  Can you just say they spit on each other?

Producer:  I can do that.

Saffron:  O.K.  This is manageable.  What about the female leads?  Can they stop talking to each other and act really pissed off when they see each other?

Producer:  That started nine months ago.

Saffron:  Perfect!  Things are looking up.  Can you leak that to the press?

Producer:  Of course.

Saffron:  Did the director get romantically involved with one or more of the stars?

Producer:  Of course.

Saffron:  Excellent.  Did they have so much sex it disrupted filming?

Producer:  Actually, there were several complaints about that.  The director is several years older than her male lead.  It made me uncomfortable.

Saffron:  Wait a minute!  This is an older woman with a younger man?

Producer:  I'm afraid so.

Saffron:  Fantastic!  You're golden.  That is all anyone will talk about.  Your movie is guaranteed to make a lot of money.

Saffron Crow, Foreign Affairs Editor and Movie Consultant.

Amen, Sister

When a politician is audacious enough to tell the truth regardless of the consequences, that politician should be recognized and congratulated. So congratulations U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert! As reported in The Washington Post (6/28/22), Boebert recently spoke at a church service where she confessed, “I’m tired of this separation of church and state junk.”

To that, I say “Amen, sister.” There is absolutely no legitimate reason for separating your church and state junk. It’s inefficient. And the garbage truck takes it all to the same place anyway. So bravo, Representative Boebert, for trying to end this nonsense.

After clearly stating her deeply-held beliefs on recycling, Boebert (in a curious non sequitur ) then added, “the church is supposed to direct the government. The government is not supposed to direct the church.” I don’t know what that has to do with recycling, but non sequitur be damned! I could not agree more.

So that just leaves the easy stuff. Like which church is going to direct the government? Fortunately, we have lots to choose from: the Catholic Church, dozens of Baptist Churches, the Church of Latter Day Saints, the Church of Scientology. Do synagogues, mosques, and temples qualify as churches? I certainly hope so, because then we’d have even more options.

We should probably get moving on this. Because once we pick the right church, I am sure harmony will reign forever.

Saffron Crow, Chief Editor-in-Chief